'You'll have to trust me when I tell you that she had love, support and opportunities'

"I also believe parents shouldn't give their estranged children the power to negatively control their emotions or lives." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

I'm the guy who wrote to you - and was published - who is 70, still working, loving it, and taking a week off every month ("After 46 years working, I'm not retiring - instead, I take a vacation every month. Is that a good life in your 70s?").

I really appreciate your thoughtful, considered opinions. Your recent letter about the estranged son and daughter-in-law hit home for me ("Our son and daughter-in-law cut us out of their lives after a political argument. Should we change our $3 million will?").

I have four kids - two are mine and two are my wife's - but they are all ours in every meaningful sense. My daughter hasn't spoken to me in four years. She occasionally communicates through Facebook with my previous spouse, with whom I'm still close.

The estrangement isn't about politics. She blames us - and her biological brother - for everything bad that happened to her. You'll have to trust me when I tell you that she had love, support and opportunities above and beyond what most kids receive.

If we ever reconcile, the estate plan can always be changed.

I'm currently rewriting my estate plan. I previously wrote my daughter out of it, but I review my estate plan every couple of years because life changes every couple of years. The letter writer described her decision as irreversible. It isn't irreversible until we die.

We've decided to provide my daughter with a monthly life annuity. She has no children, and the amount will be less than what the others will receive directly. The income will protect the money from her and, potentially, from people around her who might take advantage of her.

If she had children, I would consider structuring the trust to help with things like education or a first home. I'd also make sure there was a corporate trustee or a truly trusted friend involved, because I wouldn't trust my daughter to manage a large inheritance herself.

In my case, the monthly annuity for my estranged daughter will be a reminder, every month for the rest of her life, that her father was still there and still cared about her. If we ever reconcile, the estate plan can always be changed.

Don't miss: I don't want to leave my financially irresponsible daughter my house. Is that unreasonable?

The emotional side

On the emotional side, I believe time can change things. I never give up hope because a father - or mother - always hopes for a better outcome for their children. But I also believe parents shouldn't give their estranged children the power to negatively control their emotions or lives.

At some point, I think the parents have to give the kids exactly what they say they want: total estrangement. Stop trying. Stop sending the messages. Stop chasing them. Let them go. That is incredibly hard, especially when grandchildren are involved.

It's truly a tragedy when families become casualties of things that, in the long run, may not matter nearly as much as the people involved. If my daughter had children and refused to let me see them, I'd handwrite a letter to each grandchild every birthday and/or holiday.

I'd tell them how much I missed them and describe the things we would be doing together if I were allowed to be part of their lives. Most importantly, I'd tell them that I loved them. Then I'd seal and date every letter and put them away.

Stop trying. Stop sending the messages. Stop chasing them.

Maybe someday I'd have the opportunity to give those letters to my grandchildren when they were old enough to understand why they had an absent grandfather. There's a risk they could end up being read at my graveside. So be it.

There's also a risk that doing this could eventually damage my daughter's relationship with her own children. But, honestly, I don't think that would change my decision. The grandchildren deserve to know that they were loved, even if that love had to exist in absentia.

I think that could mean a great deal to them someday. So my advice to the parents who wrote you that letter about falling out with their son and daughter-in-law would be: Give the estranged children what they say they want and leave them alone - truly alone.

And, of course, politics is temporary. Republicans and Democrats will come and go. Time and reality have a way of changing people's perspectives, and I suspect many people will eventually regret some of the choices they made while they were angry.

Father & Husband

Related: 'This is a tricky subject': We're in our 70s and our only child is 40. Do we leave her everything?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to love someone from afar, and support them from afar.

Dear Father,

Thank you for sharing your story.

People do share in great detail here all the time, but yours is deeply personal. I appreciate that your goal is to help others, and assure parents who are going through something similar that it does, indeed, get better. After four years, you are clearly still adjusting to this new normal.

Your advice is sound, particularly as it comes from first-hand experience. It is more painful to chase a relationship - try to fix it and to lie awake thinking about what you could have done differently - than it is to finally accept that it's either over or on pause, and let go.

Letting go is a decision, but it's often a daily practice too, as you have no doubt discovered. What struck me about the father and mother whose son and daughter-in-law cut off contact due to their differences over politics and religion was the finality in his letter.

You are walking a line, knowing that you cannot keep trying to control what someone else does or doesn't do, but also not allowing an experience of loss and frustration to control you. It's not as easy as it seems, especially for someone you love, and I applaud you for that.

Letting go is a decision, a hard one, but it's often also a daily practice.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to love someone from afar, and support them from afar, and quell those feelings of anger and/or confusion that may come up from time to time. Allowing someone space and time is a gift, and it's probably the most selfless kind of gift.

About those letters. Your instinct is right: Express your love for any future grandchildren in writing, but also know that leaving a stash of letters behind could also damage their relationship with their mother and, even if it wasn't your intention, serve as a kind of payback for cutting ties.

Reading between the lines, I feel like you are unsure about putting any grandchildren in the position of having to decipher the past and/or take sides in an adult conflict, especially before they are old enough to do so. "I love you" says everything they need to know.

The letters form a bridge, one that may not allow you to let go completely and free yourself from the more difficult aspects of this estrangement. Setting up a trust and/or bequest is a way you can take action; that can do far more than words, which are open to misinterpretation, can.

Don't miss: Can I claim 50% of my husband's Social Security now - and switch to my higher benefit at 70?

Financial plan

One of the trickiest parts about having an estranged child is dealing with estate planning. Like I said to the previous letter writer, there's no right or wrong way to go about that. Some people write to me and say, "I'll cut them out of my life in every way." And that's their decision.

Others, like you, make plans to provide their estranged child with an income, even a modest one, or make provisions for their grandchildren through a trust or 529 plan. That's generous and it takes not a small amount of magnanimity to put aside hurt feelings like that.

Marital trusts are extremely useful for blended families, so each spouse ensures that their respective children are taken care of if one of them dies. A special-needs trust or spendthrift trust can also distribute funds based on need, including medical bills.

If one child or grandchild decides to go to college, the trust can provide for that. If another child falls off the wagon and needs rehab, the trust could fund that too. The tax benefits help to ensure that a significantly higher portion of your estate passes to your children tax-free.

Sometimes when people feel unhappy, they look for someone to blame.

There are certain actions that give us a semblance of control: writing letters, setting up a monthly annuity, creating a family trust. All of these things come from a good place, but I think it's worth knowing that it can be a way of engaging too.

There are positive (a monthly income) and maybe not-so-positive (writing letters to future grandchildren to be opened upon your death) ways of making sure that your legacy remains. An annuity is a fine idea, but set it up and let it go (until your next estate review).

You mention that you would not fully have faith in your daughter handling a large sum of money and/or believe there's a risk she could be subject to undue influence from a friend or partner, if she did have a lot of money sitting in her bank account.

That tells me that, perhaps, she has some self-reflection to do. And, sometimes, when people feel unhappy or resentful, rather than look at their own choices, they look for people to blame. I'm sorry that you appear to be that person in this situation.

Related: 'This has been an emotionally difficult time': My brother has cancer and my father is 94. How do I shoulder this responsibility?

MW 'The estrangement isn't about politics': My daughter hasn't spoken to me for 4 years. Do I leave her a monthly annuity?

By Quentin Fottrell

'You'll have to trust me when I tell you that she had love, support and opportunities'

"I also believe parents shouldn't give their estranged children the power to negatively control their emotions or lives." (Photo subject is a model.)

Dear Quentin,

I'm the guy who wrote to you - and was published - who is 70, still working, loving it, and taking a week off every month ("After 46 years working, I'm not retiring - instead, I take a vacation every month. Is that a good life in your 70s?").

I really appreciate your thoughtful, considered opinions. Your recent letter about the estranged son and daughter-in-law hit home for me ("Our son and daughter-in-law cut us out of their lives after a political argument. Should we change our $3 million will?").

I have four kids - two are mine and two are my wife's - but they are all ours in every meaningful sense. My daughter hasn't spoken to me in four years. She occasionally communicates through Facebook with my previous spouse, with whom I'm still close.

The estrangement isn't about politics. She blames us - and her biological brother - for everything bad that happened to her. You'll have to trust me when I tell you that she had love, support and opportunities above and beyond what most kids receive.

If we ever reconcile, the estate plan can always be changed.

I'm currently rewriting my estate plan. I previously wrote my daughter out of it, but I review my estate plan every couple of years because life changes every couple of years. The letter writer described her decision as irreversible. It isn't irreversible until we die.

We've decided to provide my daughter with a monthly life annuity. She has no children, and the amount will be less than what the others will receive directly. The income will protect the money from her and, potentially, from people around her who might take advantage of her.

If she had children, I would consider structuring the trust to help with things like education or a first home. I'd also make sure there was a corporate trustee or a truly trusted friend involved, because I wouldn't trust my daughter to manage a large inheritance herself.

In my case, the monthly annuity for my estranged daughter will be a reminder, every month for the rest of her life, that her father was still there and still cared about her. If we ever reconcile, the estate plan can always be changed.

Don't miss: I don't want to leave my financially irresponsible daughter my house. Is that unreasonable?

The emotional side

On the emotional side, I believe time can change things. I never give up hope because a father - or mother - always hopes for a better outcome for their children. But I also believe parents shouldn't give their estranged children the power to negatively control their emotions or lives.

At some point, I think the parents have to give the kids exactly what they say they want: total estrangement. Stop trying. Stop sending the messages. Stop chasing them. Let them go. That is incredibly hard, especially when grandchildren are involved.

It's truly a tragedy when families become casualties of things that, in the long run, may not matter nearly as much as the people involved. If my daughter had children and refused to let me see them, I'd handwrite a letter to each grandchild every birthday and/or holiday.

I'd tell them how much I missed them and describe the things we would be doing together if I were allowed to be part of their lives. Most importantly, I'd tell them that I loved them. Then I'd seal and date every letter and put them away.

Stop trying. Stop sending the messages. Stop chasing them.

Maybe someday I'd have the opportunity to give those letters to my grandchildren when they were old enough to understand why they had an absent grandfather. There's a risk they could end up being read at my graveside. So be it.

There's also a risk that doing this could eventually damage my daughter's relationship with her own children. But, honestly, I don't think that would change my decision. The grandchildren deserve to know that they were loved, even if that love had to exist in absentia.

I think that could mean a great deal to them someday. So my advice to the parents who wrote you that letter about falling out with their son and daughter-in-law would be: Give the estranged children what they say they want and leave them alone - truly alone.

And, of course, politics is temporary. Republicans and Democrats will come and go. Time and reality have a way of changing people's perspectives, and I suspect many people will eventually regret some of the choices they made while they were angry.

Father & Husband

Related: 'This is a tricky subject': We're in our 70s and our only child is 40. Do we leave her everything?

You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to love someone from afar, and support them from afar.

Dear Father,

Thank you for sharing your story.

People do share in great detail here all the time, but yours is deeply personal. I appreciate that your goal is to help others, and assure parents who are going through something similar that it does, indeed, get better. After four years, you are clearly still adjusting to this new normal.

Your advice is sound, particularly as it comes from first-hand experience. It is more painful to chase a relationship - try to fix it and to lie awake thinking about what you could have done differently - than it is to finally accept that it's either over or on pause, and let go.

Letting go is a decision, but it's often a daily practice too, as you have no doubt discovered. What struck me about the father and mother whose son and daughter-in-law cut off contact due to their differences over politics and religion was the finality in his letter.

You are walking a line, knowing that you cannot keep trying to control what someone else does or doesn't do, but also not allowing an experience of loss and frustration to control you. It's not as easy as it seems, especially for someone you love, and I applaud you for that.

Letting go is a decision, a hard one, but it's often also a daily practice.

Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to love someone from afar, and support them from afar, and quell those feelings of anger and/or confusion that may come up from time to time. Allowing someone space and time is a gift, and it's probably the most selfless kind of gift.

About those letters. Your instinct is right: Express your love for any future grandchildren in writing, but also know that leaving a stash of letters behind could also damage their relationship with their mother and, even if it wasn't your intention, serve as a kind of payback for cutting ties.

Reading between the lines, I feel like you are unsure about putting any grandchildren in the position of having to decipher the past and/or take sides in an adult conflict, especially before they are old enough to do so. "I love you" says everything they need to know.

The letters form a bridge, one that may not allow you to let go completely and free yourself from the more difficult aspects of this estrangement. Setting up a trust and/or bequest is a way you can take action; that can do far more than words, which are open to misinterpretation, can.

Don't miss: Can I claim 50% of my husband's Social Security now - and switch to my higher benefit at 70?

Financial plan

One of the trickiest parts about having an estranged child is dealing with estate planning. Like I said to the previous letter writer, there's no right or wrong way to go about that. Some people write to me and say, "I'll cut them out of my life in every way." And that's their decision.

Others, like you, make plans to provide their estranged child with an income, even a modest one, or make provisions for their grandchildren through a trust or 529 plan. That's generous and it takes not a small amount of magnanimity to put aside hurt feelings like that.

Marital trusts are extremely useful for blended families, so each spouse ensures that their respective children are taken care of if one of them dies. A special-needs trust or spendthrift trust can also distribute funds based on need, including medical bills.

If one child or grandchild decides to go to college, the trust can provide for that. If another child falls off the wagon and needs rehab, the trust could fund that too. The tax benefits help to ensure that a significantly higher portion of your estate passes to your children tax-free.

Sometimes when people feel unhappy, they look for someone to blame.

There are certain actions that give us a semblance of control: writing letters, setting up a monthly annuity, creating a family trust. All of these things come from a good place, but I think it's worth knowing that it can be a way of engaging too.

There are positive (a monthly income) and maybe not-so-positive (writing letters to future grandchildren to be opened upon your death) ways of making sure that your legacy remains. An annuity is a fine idea, but set it up and let it go (until your next estate review).

You mention that you would not fully have faith in your daughter handling a large sum of money and/or believe there's a risk she could be subject to undue influence from a friend or partner, if she did have a lot of money sitting in her bank account.

That tells me that, perhaps, she has some self-reflection to do. And, sometimes, when people feel unhappy or resentful, rather than look at their own choices, they look for people to blame. I'm sorry that you appear to be that person in this situation.

Related: 'This has been an emotionally difficult time': My brother has cancer and my father is 94. How do I shoulder this responsibility?